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Scott

2015

We moved to Sydney.

It was me that got the job, funnily enough. I’d done some computer stuff here and there. I didn’t even finish high school, but I helped set up the computer and Internet for Gillian’s shop, and she put up a poster on the window, and one thing lead to another…

It was a really good opportunity. Alan Sebastian doesn’t deserve to stay stuck in a little country town, without much real work. I don’t want him to get stuck there just because that’s where I am. He said he was happy there, and that he just wants to be with me. And he thinks he should be equally happy wherever I am.

With the rent in Sydney it probably comes out about the same, income wise, as we were at before. But Alan Sebastian might get a real job ongoing job too, and of course there will be more opportunities for Mani. Mani says he wants to study in Sydney. So he won’t need to leave home when he goes to Uni, unless he wants to.

It’s a bit of an adjustment for him, of course. And for Alan Sebastian. But Mani will make friends at his new school, even if it takes a little while.

Alan Sebastian isn’t sleeping well, since we moved. He complains about the noise from the traffic and the train. We’ll probably have to move further out once the lease here is up, although I wouldn’t want Mani to have to move schools again.

I’m fine though, obviously. Work is fine. It seems unfair somehow that Alan Sebastian is the one who went to Uni, and got his degree, and has the HECS debt – but I’m the main breadwinner. Not that he doesn’t contribute – it’s just more intermittent, I guess, with the contract stuff he likes to do.

And I don’t want to be annoyed that he doesn’t ever get anything that’s permanent. He likes to fix databases, and form validation, but he likes to fix things in a way that means they’re… fixed and the job is done. And what he wants to do is so specific.

I feel guilty about it. Like… I should have done something differently. Supported him more. Not trapped him in Havenport with me for so long.

But I’m working, so we’re fine.

It’s bit of an adjustment to get used to being around so many people again. Alan Sebastian isn’t good with people which makes it easier sometimes. He never expects me to guess what he means by things, or vice-versa. But I’m good with people and it’s kind of nice to realise that again. To notice and know what people mean, even if it doesn’t match their actual words. Like a kind of puzzle. So it’s good to be around a lot of people again. I’m just out of practice.

And funnily enough there were some familiar faces in the office. Well, one familiar face. One person that I…

…knew.

So work is fine, obviously.

Alan Sebastian was the one who suggested Newtown, and maybe I would have chosen somewhere else. I feel like he should have considered how noisy it would be, given that he’s the one who struggles with that. But Cello’s not too far away which is good for Alan Sebastian. I’m not sure I fully realised how much of him was missing without his twin sister in his life. And there’s lots of transport nearby, which means I don’t have to drive. Not that I can’t drive. Legally, I can. It took me a while to pass the test. But I’m not a good driver. If we stay here I might never have to drive again, or crash another car… which would be good.

And work is fine, obviously.

And I’m fine, obviously.

Mani is struggling. But he’s young, and he’ll adjust, and we’ll help him, and talk him through it, and encourage him, and he’ll get there. We’re not the only same-sex parents at his new school, which is quite nice.

I know he misses his old friends… but he’s got the internet and we’ll get down to visit as soon as I can get time off from work. It’s been pretty full on since I started. But when things calm down I should be able to take quite a bit of time off because I’ve been doing so much overtime…

Alan Sebastian is struggling, but he’s older. He ought to be able to take care of himself and it isn’t something I can help him with and I don’t think I should have to because I have my own shit to deal with…

It’s just him. It’s him and I hate how annoying he is right now. He didn’t always used to be this irritating.

But it’s fine. I’m fine.

I guess I’m not really sleeping well either. Alan Sebastian tosses and turns and it keeps me awake, and then he always gets up early, and I can’t seem to sleep when he’s not in the bed, and when he does sleep and I’m lying there awake it feels so unfair that he’s asleep and I’m not. He needs to fix his sleep problem so that I can sleep too, and he’s resisting going to the doctor, and I don’t see why I should have to be the one to pester him about it and remind him because I’ve got my own fucking problems right now.

And I know he is the way he is and I don’t want to change him, but he always needs me to explain why people say what they say, and do what they do, and how there is a kind of logic behind it even though it doesn’t appear to make much sense. And I don’t mind doing that because I really like to explain things, but it’s a lot. All the time. Over and over again.

He never wants to talk about us getting married. He says it’s too hard to think about when it’s not even something we can properly start planning for. So now we don’t talk about it. At all. I think he’s probably changed his mind.

And he’s always… touching me. He wants to hold my hand, but he’s taller than me and it’s not always that comfortable. He wants to lean against me but his breath on my neck tickles and it’s so annoying and he wants to put his arm around me when we watch TV and it’s uncomfortable because I can’t lean back or move around. And he keeps wanting to talk about swapping the rooms around so that Mani is in the downstairs room and make the upstairs room into the study.

Mani complained that he could hear noises from our bedroom, just after we moved in. We were all mortified, of course and so we talked about him moving to the other room… but it never ended up happening. It would be too inconvenient for Mani, because there’s no shower downstairs, and the downstairs room is smaller, and I’m not sure his desk will fit.

It’s fine. We can be quieter.

We can just…

not do that.

I know it’s been a while. But that just means that every time Alan Sebastian puts his arms around me I know what he is thinking, and I just feel… used. Like some kind of object. Not good for anything but relieving his needs. And I wish he would just keep his hands to himself.

I guess that’s unfair. He’s stopped being so touchy because I asked him to stop. And now every time he doesn’t touch me I feel rejected. He doesn’t want me. Why would he? I’m disgusting.

But he looks at me like he does which is fucking annoying and

When he lived in Melbourne he used to have sex with lots of people and that’s fine but now it’s all on me, it’s all me all the time, and I’m the only person he wants to do it with, and I’m so tired – fuck – I’m tired all the time.

I almost wish he’d go back to doing that. To finding random people who will fuck him so I don’t have to? I don’t want to know about it, though, at all. Just secretly. Just enough that he’d leave me alone for a little while.

He probably is. He probably missed it. He can’t be satisfied with me. It’s just statistically unlikely that I’m the best at sex in the world. So he’s just settling for me, I know. It’s just because I’m here. I’m nearby and convenient.

I admit, work is a bit stressful. Maybe I spent too much time with Alan Sebastian, and now I’ve forgotten how to talk to other people. It feels like so much effort. And they keep wanting to meet him, and I keep making excuses, because I don’t think he should meet the people I work with.

Not all of them.

I know him.

I know how he’ll react and if he knows that she’s there he’ll make such a big FUCKING deal about it.